The Anti-Blog

Blogging is a form of liberation. It provides an outlet for anyone to express their thoughts about anything. It has revolutionized our definition of media and has opened the doors for readers to discover new writers. Unfortunately, as with all innovations, it hasn't taken long for blogging to be twisted into something evil.

As it turns out, there really are thoughts about everything. Thoughts might be too strong of a word. As it turns out, there really are words about everything. Having perused a few blogs, I've determined that blogging has given rise to a new genre of people: the artistic wannabe. While the AW has always existed, it generally lurked in the pathetic shadows of our society i.e. poetry clubs that involve drums. This new forum has allowed the cretins to grow dramatically and to indoctrinate others in their maleficence.

The gospel they preach has no specific target. It is a metaphorical fire hose spewing metaphorical swill. Their doctrine is equal parts benign and cliché. It is hastily wrapped in packaging such as "Life Lessons Learned." The alliteration alone is enough to set my teeth on edge.

For such an enlightened group, they are amazingly unaware. The gross repetition of cliché phrases can only logically be attributed to some sort of mass short term memory loss. It's difficult to believe that so large a group feels that they have all spawned the same unique ideas simultaneously. Along with their scholarly ineptitude, they also have a pompous air about them. It is clear that they write one sentence at a time and then sit back and marvel at their own genius. There is a tone that is assumed that can be best described as snooty and though it has yet to be documented, it can be assumed that no writing can take place without first donning their beret.

In lieu of continuing down the line, I feel an example blog is in order.

Title:
Live Life to the Fullest

Body:
I am not who I once was. And yet I am. But Changed. As my tears fell like rain and my broken heart literally bled, I felt a change come over me. I left my worries behind me and reached for the stars. I refused to listen to doubt and fought for what was true. Hope's warmth washed over me and I felt doubt trickle down my skin and pool beneath me on the ground. I stepped out refreshed. My spirit grew wings as I found freedom in life, love and liberty. I love every day to the fullest. I face down failures, defeat difficulties, and overcome obstacles. I turn to view my footprints in the sand and am awed by how far I've come. Family and friends are the finest focal point for my fair-found freedom. I urge all to unbind themselves from the shackles of misery and to risk it all for greatness and join me in the joy of brotherhood and feel the hope that's within us all. A smile, a wink, a nod, a hug, a high five, a kiss, a tear, a shout, a whisper, a dream. -Fin

Analysis:
(I am not who I once was. And yet I am. But Changed.)
It always needs to start with something dramatic... and nigh incomprehensible. The writer views this as revolutionary and exciting. It also delivers the message that the average person can't handle the depth with which the author is composing. Sentence structure rules are ignored, not because they are truly understood by the writer, but because they feel like they reach some deeper meaning by using a fragmented, flow of consciousness styled, approach.

(As my tears fell like rain and my broken heart literally bled, I felt a change come over me.)
The clichés start early. The author feels like they created them and is astounded by their ingenuity. It also is used negatively in the beginning to help show how far the writer has come. Note the use of "literally". AW's use it to show emphasis while clearly not understanding its definition.

(I left my worries behind me and reached for the stars. I refused to listen to doubt and fought for what was true.)
These two sentences mean pretty much the same thing. Redundancy both helps to take up space and to reinforce a vague statement... vaguely.

(Hope's warmth washed over me and I felt doubt trickle down my skin and pool beneath me on the ground. I stepped out refreshed. My spirit grew wings as I found freedom in life, love and liberty.)
This section is supposed to cause the reader to feel what the author felt... which happens to be confusing because the author didn't feel these things occur either. Personifications are irritating at best and nauseatingly cliché. Alliteration at the end is overdone and you can almost see the writer patting himself on the back for being able to come up with three positive things that all begin with "L."

(I love every day to the fullest.)
I refer to this as the nigh-cliché. The author slightly alters a cliché to make it original, but only is able to make a cliché/stupid hybrid. The reader is supposed to take a moment at this line and find a pen to jot it down. There is also the case to be made for clumsy typers who inadvertently create a new expression. Note the proximity of the "I" and the "O".

(I face down failures, defeat difficulties, and overcome obstacles.)
Just stupid.

(I turn to view my footprints in the sand and am awed by how far I've come.)
These kill me. The author takes something already in existence, like the footprints in the sand poem, and then bludgeons it to death by trying to make it sound like they came up with it.

(Family and friends are the finest focal point for my fair-found freedom.)
... much too much... and a vague V for Vendetta allusion.

(I urge all to unbind themselves from the shackles of misery and to risk it all for greatness and join me in the joy of brotherhood and feel the hope that's within us all.)
Here we have a faux-altruistic run on sentence that is crammed full of clichés and mediocrity. I imagine the point of these type of sentences is to demonstrate that the positive desires for others is overflowing.

(A smile, a wink, a nod, a hug, a high five, a kiss, a tear, a shout, a whisper, a dream.)
Like the beginning, a bizarre combination of words that apparently mean something to the author are vomited up. At this point, the author is glowing with pride.

(-Fin)
No blog is complete without the use of a foreign language. This also proves the point that the writer is a citizen of the world.


I realize there are two types of people. First are those that have read this and have had to fight down their gag reflex. To you I apologize. Second are those that have read this and have found nothing out of the ordinary. Bow your head in shame.