Webster Shrugged

It's a shame that Darwin's survival of the fittest doesn't extend to communication. The gibberish that people are vomiting up these days is nigh-incomprehensible. From mutilated expressions and miscarried quotes, to fragmented sentences and written travesties, it begs the question of whether or not we truly speak English anymore. That being said, I'd like to list a few rules of thumb that may help to make sense of the madness.

1) In regards to using past tense:
If you are talking about something that happened previously, slapping an "ed" at the end of the verb is not a universal rule. "Thinked" is just embarrassing. For those who are confused, that's "thinked" as in, "I THINKED you meant thought." "Runned over" is not the way to describe how you got to the store nor is it what happened to the animal who darted in front of your car.

2) In regards to reading:
Read. A lot. As far as what to read, things that are delivered to you due to a paid monthly subscription do not count. Granted, there are several well written magazines in existence that would certainly qualify as good reading, but the people that read them are not my target audience. Books are the key. If there are more than one picture per chapter, it does not count. If all of the words are smaller than 3 syllables, it doesn't count. If the book revolves around the pathetic infatuation between a sparkly vampire and an insecure mortal girl... you'd might as well continue reading because you are beyond help.

3) In regards to the written word:
If you're going to write anything, use full sentences. While I appreciate that there are those who attribute their abbreviations to an attempt to stave off the onset of carpal tunnel, it's far more acceptable to have claws for hands than to use "LOL." Original writing is key. While imitation is the best form of flattery, it sends the message that you are unable to have original thoughts. Also, if you feel the need to jazz up your writing by using exciting fonts or ignoring grammar rules to appear avant-garde, it's only because what you have written is too dull to stand alone. As a final thought, don't write about your feelings. We all have our own. And besides nobody outside of your mother and your therapist care about how you feel... and even then it's because your mother feels morally obligated and your therapist is on the clock.

4) In regards to the spoken word
We all screw up. There are moments when you're in the middle of a thought and you realize that even YOU have no idea what you're talking about. It is at that point when you cut yourself off and apologize. Don't try to gloss over your mindless babbling by jumping topics. Take responsibility. Up until your moment of enlightenment, your listener has been watching you go down in flames while trying to keep a straight face. Laughing at you is not only allowed, it's preferred. With enough laughing, you'll either change your speaking habits for the better or become completely silent to allow those who know what they're doing to take a turn. On a side note, it is completely acceptable to not understand what is being discussed. It NOT acceptable to not understand what is being discussed if you're discussing it. Don't pretend that you know what you are talking about, because it's obvious you don't.

I realize that I've only scratched the surface on the day to day ridiculousness that is modern interpersonal communication. I apologize to those who feel slighted, but I save the majority of my apology for those who feel I've neglected to mention important topics. Bear with me and continue to fight the good fight!