Webster Shrugged

It's a shame that Darwin's survival of the fittest doesn't extend to communication. The gibberish that people are vomiting up these days is nigh-incomprehensible. From mutilated expressions and miscarried quotes, to fragmented sentences and written travesties, it begs the question of whether or not we truly speak English anymore. That being said, I'd like to list a few rules of thumb that may help to make sense of the madness.

1) In regards to using past tense:
If you are talking about something that happened previously, slapping an "ed" at the end of the verb is not a universal rule. "Thinked" is just embarrassing. For those who are confused, that's "thinked" as in, "I THINKED you meant thought." "Runned over" is not the way to describe how you got to the store nor is it what happened to the animal who darted in front of your car.

2) In regards to reading:
Read. A lot. As far as what to read, things that are delivered to you due to a paid monthly subscription do not count. Granted, there are several well written magazines in existence that would certainly qualify as good reading, but the people that read them are not my target audience. Books are the key. If there are more than one picture per chapter, it does not count. If all of the words are smaller than 3 syllables, it doesn't count. If the book revolves around the pathetic infatuation between a sparkly vampire and an insecure mortal girl... you'd might as well continue reading because you are beyond help.

3) In regards to the written word:
If you're going to write anything, use full sentences. While I appreciate that there are those who attribute their abbreviations to an attempt to stave off the onset of carpal tunnel, it's far more acceptable to have claws for hands than to use "LOL." Original writing is key. While imitation is the best form of flattery, it sends the message that you are unable to have original thoughts. Also, if you feel the need to jazz up your writing by using exciting fonts or ignoring grammar rules to appear avant-garde, it's only because what you have written is too dull to stand alone. As a final thought, don't write about your feelings. We all have our own. And besides nobody outside of your mother and your therapist care about how you feel... and even then it's because your mother feels morally obligated and your therapist is on the clock.

4) In regards to the spoken word
We all screw up. There are moments when you're in the middle of a thought and you realize that even YOU have no idea what you're talking about. It is at that point when you cut yourself off and apologize. Don't try to gloss over your mindless babbling by jumping topics. Take responsibility. Up until your moment of enlightenment, your listener has been watching you go down in flames while trying to keep a straight face. Laughing at you is not only allowed, it's preferred. With enough laughing, you'll either change your speaking habits for the better or become completely silent to allow those who know what they're doing to take a turn. On a side note, it is completely acceptable to not understand what is being discussed. It NOT acceptable to not understand what is being discussed if you're discussing it. Don't pretend that you know what you are talking about, because it's obvious you don't.

I realize that I've only scratched the surface on the day to day ridiculousness that is modern interpersonal communication. I apologize to those who feel slighted, but I save the majority of my apology for those who feel I've neglected to mention important topics. Bear with me and continue to fight the good fight!

I TOLD You!

Mainstream blogging isn't my thing. All I wanted was a place to vent my opinionated thoughts. Despite my claims to avoid the cheesy pictures and personal stories that I've seen on other blogs, the winds of peer pressure bent me to their will and I added a visit tracker... twice. So now I have two maps that show the same thing and I have neither the ability nor the patience to remove them. Thanks.

Loud is the New Insecure

I've come to grips with reality. People are different. Some people are smarter than others. Some people are better looking than others. And regardless of what some may think, nobody is exceptional in every regard. The secret to success is playing to one's strengths.

Unfortunately, it appears that some people have yet to grasp the importance of this idea. Even more frightening is the prospect that there are some that feel that it is a good idea to bring the things they lack to the forefront. This is a misnomer. There is no such thing as physical reverse psychology. If you are unable to carry a tune, don't volunteer to sing in front of people. If you have bad skin, makeup isn't optional. If you can't dance, leave your awkward, non-rhythmic butt glued to your chair.

I suppose people that act this way feel empowered. Like they have some semblance of control over the things they hate most about themselves. But let's face it, that isn't bravery, it's cowardice. Self esteem doesn't come from flaunting anything. Courage is found in how you act despite your imperfections.

If you are a great scrabble player, you be the best scrabbler you can be. If all you've got is a whistling belly button trick, you practice until your navel bleeds. It's all about being the best you can possibly be.

There are some things you can't do much about, but there are lots of things that you can. If you don't like something about yourself, change it. Scene girls, cut back on buying neon, pudgy-body-hugging clothes and concert tickets and try investing in a gym membership. You may find that confidence has less to do with your sunglasses and more to do with hard work. Guys in general, if you don't know how to talk to girls, try picking up a book. It's amazing how much you'll have to say when you have vocabulary that extends beyond what you hear on MTV. I realize that it may not come naturally to some, but take Advil for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.

Ultimately, the world is unfair. Regardless of your efforts, you STILL may find yourself lower on the pecking order than you may like. This, my friends, is the cruel, harsh dose of reality you've been avoiding. I'm sorry, we aren't all beautiful unique snowflakes dancing on the breeze. Some of us are still going to be bizarre unique snowflakes taking a nosedive into a drift of yellow snow. Deal with it!

Late Breaking News

I'm not the best at staying up to date. There will be things being discussed by friends or coworkers of which I'm completely unaware. Naturally, it's a little embarrassing to have to ask to be clued in to what's going on, but I've found it's much better than remaining in ignorance. But as bad as it may be to be a couple of days behind the times, there is NO REASON to remain in the dark in regards to events directly pertaining to you that occurred nearly 75 years ago.

In 1935, Reza Shah Pahlavi asked the international community to refer to Persia as Iran. This was not an attempt to give the nation a nickname. It was an official change. If you check any modern map of Fertile Crescent, Persia is nowhere to be found. Why? Because Persia no longer exists.

Apparently news travels slowly. While the transition didn't seem to be a problem for those living in Persia proper, Persians in the US appear to have never gotten on board with the idea. To date, if asked where their ancestors were from, Iranians will call themselves Persians. That's like someone from Turkey saying they grew up in Constantinople. My grandparents are not from the Holy Roman Empire.

The only reasoning that I can fathom to support them clinging to the Persian title like a baby monkey to his mother is because it sounds cooler. There's something mystic about Persia. It paints an image of flying carpets, rubbed lamps, and monkeys with little hats. Iran only fosters thoughts of terrorism, dictatorship, and an extreme surplus of sand.

Hey, I'm sorry your current name sucks, but it's what you have to go with. Despite my yearnings to be called Laser growing up, my parents had the AUDACITY to name me Mitch. Guess which one I had to go with?

Iranians, you're not Persian. You're not Median. You're not Assyrian. You're not Chaldean. You're not Mesopotamian. Agreed, your name is lame, but until it's actually changed again: NEWS FLASH: You're stuck with it.

The Super Hero Debacle

Nothing makes me more crazy than approximate truth. It has to be all or nothing. Recently it's come to my attention that I'm unable to sit through super hero films. Not because of a lack of action or entertainment value, but because of the film maker's ineptitude. With the power of the internet at their fingertips, you'd think they would do a little research. At the very least, go to a nerd forum and ask some questions.

Case in point: The Juggernaut in X-Men 3. I understand that they wanted to avoid the details like him being Charles Xavier's step brother and that he isn't a mutant because the story line would have been clouded in a miasma of nerdery. On the other hand, they didn't stick to the character they had created. When they first introduce him, he's confined in an armored vehicle in a device that doesn't allow him to move. This is because once he's moving he can't be stopped. Near the end of the movie, Shadow Cat phases him up to his chest into a concrete floor. And instead of effectively trapping him, (since he couldn't move) he suddenly is able to rip his way out. Ridiculous.

As bad as that detail gnawed at me, Wolverine:Origins nearly gave me conniptions. I'll just make a list:

-Wolverine and Sabertooth are not brothers. The creator of the character initially designed to have Sabertooth be Wolverine's father, that other writers disagreed and that has been played down.

-Sabertooth is not Dog. Dog is a character that was only in James' life for a limited period of time. The last time you see Dog is when he's laying unconcious right after James accidentally kills Rose.

-Agent Zero. Is a mess. They had him flipping around and jumping into helicopters like he had springs in his legs. He doesn't have that ability. He absorbs kinetic energy. They had him dodging bullets in the beginning. That would have been counterproductive for him. He would have walked to the gate and torn it from the hinges with all the energy that he had absorbed.

-Muscular Blob? The Blob's powers come from his flabbiness.

-Silver Fox. Her only power was an artificial healing factor made by Weapon X. The touch mental control thing was stupid.

-Silver Fox and Emma Frost aren't sisters. Duh.

-Adamantium Bullets. That whole thing was stupid. Shooting someone in the head to erase their memory? Really? And does that mean that Wolverine has permanent holes in his skull?


Ok Ok... I'm being knitpicky... but these things could have been easily avoided. And don't think I won't have a pen and paper ready for the next movie.

RAGE! PASSION! TERROR! BLISS!

According to Google, there isn't a term for emotional extremism, but perhaps there should be. Ridiculitis? I refuse to believe that I'm surrounded by a society suffering from a bipolar disorder, and yet that's all I'm seeing these days. People are either on top of the world or this side of suicide. They are crazy in love or hate everybody. School is either the best or the worst. It's either "This Job ROCKS!" or "I'm at work... fml." In the end, the only thing worse than working so hard on making your average life seem interesting is letting me know about it. Save your cliches for your diary. Nothing is worse than reading something by someone who thinks they are a fantastically expressive writer. You're NOT inspirational. You are your biggest fan... and everyone else who cares are people just like you. I didn't realize that mediocrity was a team sport.