Late Breaking News

I'm not the best at staying up to date. There will be things being discussed by friends or coworkers of which I'm completely unaware. Naturally, it's a little embarrassing to have to ask to be clued in to what's going on, but I've found it's much better than remaining in ignorance. But as bad as it may be to be a couple of days behind the times, there is NO REASON to remain in the dark in regards to events directly pertaining to you that occurred nearly 75 years ago.

In 1935, Reza Shah Pahlavi asked the international community to refer to Persia as Iran. This was not an attempt to give the nation a nickname. It was an official change. If you check any modern map of Fertile Crescent, Persia is nowhere to be found. Why? Because Persia no longer exists.

Apparently news travels slowly. While the transition didn't seem to be a problem for those living in Persia proper, Persians in the US appear to have never gotten on board with the idea. To date, if asked where their ancestors were from, Iranians will call themselves Persians. That's like someone from Turkey saying they grew up in Constantinople. My grandparents are not from the Holy Roman Empire.

The only reasoning that I can fathom to support them clinging to the Persian title like a baby monkey to his mother is because it sounds cooler. There's something mystic about Persia. It paints an image of flying carpets, rubbed lamps, and monkeys with little hats. Iran only fosters thoughts of terrorism, dictatorship, and an extreme surplus of sand.

Hey, I'm sorry your current name sucks, but it's what you have to go with. Despite my yearnings to be called Laser growing up, my parents had the AUDACITY to name me Mitch. Guess which one I had to go with?

Iranians, you're not Persian. You're not Median. You're not Assyrian. You're not Chaldean. You're not Mesopotamian. Agreed, your name is lame, but until it's actually changed again: NEWS FLASH: You're stuck with it.